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It's been 38 weeks holy shits.

I really haven't been online much at all these days, it's pointless when you can text the people you want to talk to and see. 
 Anyways, I'm here only because this site is my bitch rant site. It serves no other purpose.  On a side note, if you're reading this (Meaning people that are not my friends on LJ) and you know who the fuck you are, you have real issues. Quit stalking me, it's creepy ,take your trust issues elsewhere.If you want to know something message me through whatever website you can find me on, you have the way. 
   Away we go...
 Lately I've had a good amount of time to myself, and I have to say, it's amazing. Don't get me wrong I love my friends, I love spending time with them. However, it's relaxing to just sit back, listen to your ipod and ignore the world every now and then.   
 -- Something that happened TWO years ago still wanders around me(Actually not so much anymore at least it's been two weeks maybe three YUS! but I will rant away because I have every right to :D). It's annoying, and I'm sick of it. I'm out of high school. I really don't want to feel like I'm still in it while I try to get some bullshit degree from PCC PSC until I go to an actual university. Grudges are ridiculous. Peeping over shoulders to check someones' email, going through someone else's phone  to see their text messages and calls made, when I know  the person doesn't appreciate that sort of thing,  it's plain crazy. I stay away, I only inform, there have been times where,yes, I did just leave a email or message to say hi, but when there's messages with ACTUAL meaning's to them it's because the other made the advance, the other contacted first because of some off the wall perception of what closure is in that persons mind. I'm tired of hearing " it's better if we don't talk anyway" OKAY I AGREE, I've agreed so many damn times,fuck I even say, "I shouldn't talk to you, you shouldn't talk to me" and this person just blows it off, so WHY would that person contact me again later!? Why..  the explanation I always get " I miss you", yeah I get it. It's cool and all but there's a problem with that.. a huge problem with that. So please, and I have an aching suspicion that you'll both read this which is creepy. Leave me alone. Be happy  and just leave me out of it. I'm done, and my headaches are gone . Hopefully forever. I was so happy a couple of months ago when I thought I had this all behind me and then this again, and now I'm back to that place where I'm happy and I'd love to stay there.  I just needed to get all of this off my chest. ---

Aside from that, I'm job hunting, I'd really like a car and to be able to somewhat support myself. 
My best friend got MARRIED! I'm happy for her and five years from now there will be a big ceremony, until then she lives out of the state and I get to go see her whenever I can, sweet, can't wait to get out of Florida for a week :D
 I've gotten back in touch with old friends which is amazing! I missed having girlfriends to talk to and hang out with! the majority of my friends are still males.. but who cares, I love them all the same. 
Oh and I broke up with Josh four months ago and I've never felt so relived. No take backs this time.  


The selfishness of a human heart

To lose track of ones self  is never a good experience and I've never been good with words. Always pushing away because  I could not afford to be hurt. Ultimately pushing away the one person I let in for two years and hurting myself more than I thought he would. I'm faced with new surroundings and freedoms. And yes I do take advantage of it every waking day because I feel the need to escape. But it's taking it's toll on me.And I want to go back to what was normal. To what I knew.My comfort. I've lost one of my best friends and I'm at the verge of losing another one. But this one I do not and will allow to go away. We've been through too much and I can't let him go just because his significant other is a drag. Because my boyfriend hates her(although I cant blame him...but still), fuck that.  I don’t know how much I can take without quitting somewhere. On everything.
My phone never seems to sleep anymore. Constantly ringing, annoying...it came to the point where I almost through it in the lake. Myspace is fucking annoying. People trying to back at others," I'll do this and put this mood on so that this person can feel like shit! and I'll say I had an awesome time so that they can feel like they haven’t effected me because I'mmmm ssssssssssssssoooooooooo over it. " people fucking grow up please.
Yeah I feel like this now but it'll pass hopefully.and I'll just be happy again later.

-edit six hours later-
I'm good now, that was a pointless bitch but I really dont care.
To focus on the possitive for right now. I had an awesome weekend. It had a few down sides but I got to spend time with Jason and it was so awesome...so fucking awesome and I saw people who I care for so yeah.


dont know why I like this song.. it's not the type of music I listen to but I love it...video and all...it's so pretty.

rant about weekend.

 I had a pretty good weekend over all. Things have been looking up lately with a few exceptions but eh,thats life.
 Friday Liz came over, we went swimming and I was doing back flips underwater, I did it wrong at one point and pulled my leg mussle, it hurt like a bitch and I almost drowned XD. I hate being short.Friday (or saturday(it was 12 am) )night/early morning Liz,Jason,and I went to see Dan in real life since Acorss the universe wasnt showing at the time and we (jason and I) had already seen saw IV and 30 days of night. I was a pretty good movie, funny but really sad sometimes. He droped us off at my house around 3in the morning. Saturday morning Liz and I went swiming, it was cold but the water felt really nice.It was a pretty lazy afternoon. Few friends came over ,Liz left around 7. Maybe an hour or so later I kicked out the others because a prick couldnt get over himself and let his anger out on me. Because he took something I said wrong.  So now I want nothing more to do with him because I'm really fucking tired of the bullshit. Then after all that shit, Jason came over after work  and we watched transformers, my cousin was supposed to come over but she never found a ride so yeah... and we've vowed to get our licences and shit sometime in the next two weeks. Jay is a sweetheart but he figured out how fucking ticklish I am.. ugh ,_, . In the middle of watching transformers the time changed, So we took advantage of that, that way if carlos where to say anything we'd be like "but's only (insert time here)" .The things is I doubt carlos would car because he trusts me and judgements for the most part plus he gives me the freedom with some space that comes with age. So that makes me happy. Jay left around 2:30 ish. I like spending time with him, it's always nice and fun,rarely awkward. And he cooks...Oh my god... he cooks. He works as a cook and brought me some of the cheesecake he made... and that cheese cake has to be a fucking sin... it is so good.I'm afriad to eat it all because I'll get super fat but it is..awesome. 
 I've seen him every night  since thursday and it's been fun and I guess I really like him.. he makes me smile and laugh and I guess he makes me feel something other than emptyness and depression. It's weird but anyways,  he might come over today sometime and I might ask him to drive me to the mall for a jacket because we both need one.

Dear anonymous ignorant reader,

yeah, it's not like I like being placed in the middle of one. I didn't ask for it, it just happened. And it was solved so stfu. And mind your own business,unless this is Kourtney or Jared don't butt in(but I think they would identify themselves). You probably don't know what happened or how it came to be. And by the way that relationship involved me in one way or another, it's not like I decided to one day just randomly go " hey let me go and fuck their relationship because I'm the worst person to ever live". I'm not the one to blame completely because it wasn't just my fault. 
I'm done with the past and looking for a better future, there's bigger things in life then petty relationships, especially when they involve stupid,melodramatic teenagers. Being friends is good enough for me actually if you would have read the post you would have known that. 
 This stupid, and I shouldn't have to do this, I have an idea of who this might be but since I'm not sure I'm not going to jump and start accusing random people, I would talk to you about this, as in through and email/aim so that I don't sound like such a dumb ass or a bitch like I have in the past week but oh well.
 thanks for giving me somthing to write about XD.

to others, I finially let it go. Go me ^^

I finally understand

I've heard the phrase "your best friend can be your worst enemy" and I always thought it was stupid.
I always thought " how the fuck does that work? "
Well I get it. And it hurts. a lot.
your best friends are capable of hurting you the most, and I didnt know how much until a few days ago (monday afternoon)
I never wanted to lose my best friend. The funny thing is... I'm the one pushing it away and trying to keep it away.
But I just cant take being hurt any longer then pretending like it didnt happen.
The problems between my family are nothing compared to how much this past week has effected me. I've never been so disgusted with myself, I've never felt like whore up until now. I even feel used since that word has been drilled into me by close friends.Maybe they are seeing something I dont. But I think I'm starting to... I've become a lot stronger since the summer but I still have my moments of weakness, moments where my wall turns to a thin piece of paper..moments like this one, only I think this post has to do with me  just being very fucking tired.
I havent slept, I rarely eat, and if I do eat I'm forcing it .  
I hope this weekend is better because I dont know what I'll do come monday...and no change.

I hate this feeling, and it's affect... on my chioce of music. But it makes sense for this....or atleast to me.:

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

 you were a fool to believe he loved you. A fool to believe what happend meant anything.  you could do so much better,
so much better. You can find someone who wont use you for that, abuse of your trust.Someone who is nothing like him. someone who can make you as happy or even more than just that. Vanish,fade away is what you hope for. More pain and heartache is what you get.
 ...yesterday was just great... I didnt expect it to happen but it did. I cant say I'm happy but I cant say I didnt enjoy myself either.
I'm going to the beach now. Yaaaay. Then getting home somehow.
Art class is great, i'm behind but I still have an A. How? I dont even know. But I do so yay for me. I should be done with my second sktech this weekend.
 yeah yeah shut up.

Everlong, the song holds memories. So does more than feeling.  I hate school.

Sep. 15th, 2007

Due to stupid shit I quit LJ.  for now anyways.